Getting Directions

Note: This is my article for the June 10 edition of Moms Michiana, a section of the South Bend Tribune.  It first appeared here.

My four-year old daughter is an avid reader.  For the most part, I encourage this.  I'm thrilled she reads a couple children's books before bed.  I'm glad she can read directions to board games.  I'm proud she can read her two-year old sister a story now and then.

I'm not as enthusiastic about her ability to read road signs.

Picture driving along Angela Boulevard on a beautiful spring afternoon.  You glance over to catch a glimpse of the stadium, when from the backseat comes a shrill voice of warning: "Oh no, you're going the wrong way!"  It's my four-year old, screaming with alarm because she believes the "Wrong Way" signs are meant for us. 

I know full well I'm on the right side of the road.  I've driven this road countless times.  Yet, when you hear something so urgent, so assured, and so critical, you can't help but second guess yourself.  I'll admit I tapped on the brakes for a bit.

She's done this more than once.  My daughter is more than willing to point out poor execution at an intersection ("It said stop and you didn't stop!"), or act as a backseat speed radar (“It says, ‘Speed Limit four-five.’”). 

Children offer little in the way of guidance while driving.  In life, however, what they have to say can be very instructive.  I wouldn’t listen to my daughter to get where I wanted to go in the car.  I must listen to what she’s saying to get where I want to go as a father.

If you listen closely, what your children say offers a glimpse into the values and lessons you’re instilling in them as a parent.  On one of our many trips down Angela, I told my daughter to look to see the painting of Jesus on the wall of the Hesburgh Library.  “It’s not good to paint on walls,” was the reply.  True enough.  Glad that life lesson was internalized.

In other moments, I hear my daughter uttering things I’ve said in frustration that I would rather she’d forgotten.  I’m sure most parents have experienced this.  It serves as a humbling reminder that our children are watching us at every instance.  What they will learn of patience, forgiveness, coping, and self-control is what we have modeled.  However we respond to life’s problems is what they will know of responsible behavior.

I believe our words and actions also tell our children what we expect of them – sometimes implicitly, sometimes explicitly.  We’ve had to be very direct in verbalizing our rule that our daughter confine her artistic expression to paper, not our walls.  But when something goes wrong, or we get that unexpected phone call or expense, our children learn how to respond based on what they observe.  We implicitly tell them what we expect of them by showing them what we expect of ourselves in those kinds of situations.

So in a sense, our children should be doing more of the driving than we think.  Or at least, they are a sort of GPS device steering us in the right direction, if we listen.  You’ll find incredible insight into your performance as a parent if you begin tuning in your children.  It will rarely be as obvious as my daughter’s “Wrong Way” exclamation, but it will be more accurate. 

There isn’t a journey more important than that of parenthood.  There are no U-turns, no rest stops, no exits.  If you’re like me, you look for reliable guidance wherever possible, because it’s important to know where you’re heading.

Especially if you’re going the wrong way. 

You feel me?

AF